Archive for November 2, 2003


So I finally got around to cleaning out my file cabinet. After that I turned the humming pile of parts on the floor into a computer, which is good, since now if I spill salt water I won’t be electrocuted, and I’m always spilling salt water. Goddamn laws of thermodynamics.

Its time for fun with calculations. I am your host, Emory Myers. That was the fun, here are calculations.

Calories per day = 2000.

Calories per unit of blood = 600.

Units of blood per person = 5.

Units of blood a person can donate per year = 6.

Units of blood needed per year = 1204.5.

So for all you vampiric cult leaders out there, here is a handy formula:

241 – 1.2X = Y

Where X is the number of loyal followers, and Y is the number of people who will need to ‘disappear’.

10 cult members = 229 victims/year.

50 cult members = 181 victims/year.

100 cult members = 120 victims/year.

150 cult members = 61 victims/year.

200 cult members = 1 victim/year.

Ok, so you goth punks had better be making lots of friends unless you want to go down like Ted Bundy. Or, yaknow, you could always become an Emo vamp which I’m sure would lower the numbers quite a bit… since those damn Emo kids don’t eat (they do make a satisfying snap crackle pop sound as their bones shatter after being hit in the skull with a Louisville slugger tho).

Does anyone find it a little silly that car companies in Japan are treating robots that bear some semblance to people like the greatest thing since bread slicing machines? I find it fucking rediculous. You want to build a humanlike robot? You want a frame that has it all… superior design, working joints, durability? Hello, this way to the graveyard… seriously, I propose Necrobotics, the usage of corpses as robotic platforms. Take one skeleton, add a shitload of motors to replace muscles, cram some computing hardware in the skull/ribcage/pelvis and wa-fuckin-laa (or viofuckingla if you want to be uppity about it).

Course, why even bother with adding motors? Last time I checked muscles continued to react to electrical stimulation several hours after death… just put our men and women at arms in suits which would ‘take care’ of them in the event of death, there is no good reason they couldn’t continue to serve for several hours just because their brain stop receiving oxygen…

On second thought, why even wait for death? There are bazillions of useless people out there in mental institutions and hospital beds who could simply be seperated from higher brain function for a couple days while a combination of artificial intelligence and well timed shocks to their muscles provided our much deserving society with a few unpaid manhours.

Necrobotics, the wave of the future. EmoryM, a fucking lunatic. Bacon Cheeseburgers, paradise on a bun.

Castlevania: Lament of Innocence was rediciously easy, as was the last boss in Final Fantasy Tactics: Advance (and in typical final fantasy fashion, it made no goddamn sense, the last boss was the embodiment of my desire for the world to remain intact). Tony Hawk’s Underground is a game which I find basically unenjoyable. If you’ve got previous Tony Hawk experience, and at this point who doesn’t, you’ll find the game too easy. The graphics are better (when aren’t graphics getting better?), but not to the point where I’m glad they’ve improved. Yes, you can get off your board. Yes, you can drive vehicles. Yes, both of these modes of gameplay feel halfassed and if you’d like to do either they just released the Grand Theft Auto bundle for PS2 (it’ll be out for XBox this week). But enough bitching… at the moment I’m trying to decide between getting a DVD Burner and the Slide Card (free PS2 games anyone? cha-ching!) or the GBA TvTuner (it looks a little wonky, but I could use a portable TV, and $40 seems hella cheap).

I think I need another job, anyone want to pay me to tell you in which ways your videogames need improvement? Or be physically injured? Cmon, I excel at both ­čśë