Alright, I can’t sleep because I just spent like 10 hours at a Chick-fil-a with Anna winning $250 in chicken-prizes. And I drank two cups of coffee like 2 hours ago… not smart.

I work at Maryland Public Television now, you may remember me from such pledge breaks as ‘Begging for Money’ and ‘You’re watching Alice’s Pocketwatch’ (Because we’re broke and full of jam.)

Anna is living with me and she is wonderfully silly. Since she doesn’t eat meat she just spent like 12 hours outside a Chick-fil-a to win me chicken (since I had to work and you had to stay there, she stayed.. and I worked…)

I’m about to move back in with my Mom because….

About a year ago I moved in with Erik’s Mom Roz. At the time she told me that 1 room would be $200 per month, plus my share of the utilities. Mike rented the other room, and we shared a bathroom.

Roz always seemed happy to have people helping out with utilities, not making a complete mess of things, watching the house, helping her out whenever she asked and generally being decent people. Getting the rent money was like a bonus to her.

Roughly three months ago Mike was moving out and my cousin expressed interest in moving in, however Roz’ daughter(s?) had now convinced her that one bedroom in a house was equivalent to an apartment of some sort, and so the price should be raised. Bill’s parents, apparently desperate to find him someplace to live, agreed to pay Roz $400 per month to house their son. Who does nothing. Seriously, we left for a fucking week and he ran out of OUR toilet paper so he started wiping his ass with OUR tissues… we took the tissues away and TWO DAYS LATER toilet paper appeared. I think he probably stole it from downstairs or something, fucking mooch.

Around the same time my beloved Anna and I decided we’d be much happier living together, and so she moved in. As the size of my room had not changed, in fact the space I occupy had roughly halved in size, I figured rent would stay the same. Utilities would increase, and so Anna would pay her fair share. This, however, apparently left Roz upset, so we talked about it and she seemed to come around.

Like a week later she told us her daughter demanded we be kicked out and we might have to leave. At this time I began feeling quite unwelcome.

Suddenly the rent I paid had gone from being a bonus each month to a crime with the victim being Roz… “That bastard Emory and his concubine Anna, how dare they rent one small bedroom and only pay $200 a month plus 40% of the utility bills!!” her daughter must’ve said, in more colorful alcoholic faghag language. “Yes” said Roz, like a young Annakin falling to the dark side, “I see now… please come visit and be extremely rude.”

So Roz’ daughter, one of the most despicable people I’ve ever come into contact with, visited. She was a bitch, completely and totally. On one occasion I walked downstairs to find her fucking some dude on the couch missionary. She was on top. Lovely eh?

She also posted a note demanding we clean up after ourselves, which Anna and I had already been doing, I believe it said “Your mother does not live here! Clean up your own messes!” She also asked me to empty the dishwasher, which I didn’t do, namely because we had like 2 days worth of dirty dishes sitting on my computer desk and so I knew for a fact not a single thing in there was ours.

Whatever, the next day Anna and I bought some cups and plates from the dollar store. Crisis averted right? I mean, surely now there was no chance in hell we’d be bothered about the dishwasher, since we’d removed ourselves entirely from that can of worms and would no longer inconvenience Roz with our dirty dishes. We didn’t feel the need to tell anyone this however, as I didn’t feel like bringing it up.

So of course her other daughter comes, which invited three more incidents:

1) Roz’ sorta-boyfriend Kevin leaves a shitload of blood in the fridge. Now, as his mother doesn’t live here, I felt he should’ve cleaned up after himself. But no, since I discovered the mess it was my job.

2) Roz’ daughter asked us to empty the dishwasher, to which I shouted “No!” since what, how many other people were here? Lets count! Roz, her daughter, Erik, Liz, Kevin… 5, yep, 5. Now, since I hadn’t used the dishwasher since her other daughter decided to leave demeaning notes, seeking only to escape the situation entirely, I didn’t do it.

3) That day I got ‘in trouble’ which is fucking rediculous since I’m not related to any of these people. Apparently I hurt Roz’ feelings when I said no… and because she’s crippled I need to do more than just clean up after myself… I should treat her like family. Well, Erik doesn’t pay anything to live here. The girls Erik has living here never pay anything. I’m now expected to pay AND treat her like a blood relative? At this point I became EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I had four old ladies telling me how wonderful it was to live here a week after I saw Roz’ daughter fucking some dude on the couch, two weeks after I’d been basically told I was evicted… oh, and they were discussing IN FRONT OF ME how Roz should just kick me out and move someone in who’d be willing to help her full time… it was then that I prepared for the inevitable.

So I go to Virginia with Anna for a week, and of course when I come back Roz’ fallen on hard times (seriously) and ‘had to’ raise my rent. Naturally she ‘had to’ raise it to exactly what Bill is paying. God forbid she not have cable, her showdog shaved every month, or deny her son’s girlfriend free rent and utilities. Fuck it. I lived here for a year and she was always happy to take my money, I was nothing less than friendly to her on every occasion (something I don’t think any of her children can claim), and I mostly kept to myself. I’m not sure what I did to get on her bad side, short of pay the amount she originally thought was fair for the same single room and bathroom… But whatever, I’m paying the electric bill and the rest of the month’s rent and I’m out of here this weekend.