Archive for June, 2019

I made brownies…

Well… they’re brown! I got that part right!

I was going to try soaking one in milk but they’re so great I can’t even cut them – they’re positively impervious. The corner is missing because I cut one when they were still warm and only slightly hard. Now they are not warm. Now they are chocolate concrete.


Kids and I have lost 5 months of time while they’re 1 and 3.

Never getting that time back. It hurts.

I’m not depressed, I’m not dangerous.

We’re all being punished.

Talking to Mom Mom helps.

Happy Fathers Day!

The 6 hours I spend as a father every week are what keeps me going, can’t wait until the kids are old enough to give me ties or something.


Bert watches this at home now apparently:

I show him videos I made when we were a family and this:

I can only control what I do, I’ve just got to keep reminding myself of that.

do not want

Divorcing someone you love is hard. You have a nice dream about her and then you wake up and… well, that person doesn’t exist right now. 404. Not the best way to start a day.

New Animal Crossing at E3… I mean I know she doesn’t play games anymore, and definitely doesn’t have the time now, but the urge to share hasn’t gone away. Did she watch the new David Tenant show on Prime? I hope so! Did she watch Game of Thrones? I didn’t, didn’t feel right without her. I do so many dumb things she’d laugh at and I know she would because I know her. I bought single-ply toilet paper… and learned my lesson. I tried to make tacos in my George Foreman grill – oh lord the greases. Bought a pull-up bar that goes in the door frame and I use it but everything starts creaking like I’m about to bring the building down. Right now I’m trying to make fruit rolls by dehydrating apple sauce – I mean, is that even? What am I doing?

I’d get a pet but I feel like that would be betraying our cats. Any time I do anything I think Anna or the kids would enjoy I feel like I’m betraying them. Just constant internal conflict, that’s me these days. Still can’t get my brain to understand that the cats are not here, the white or black thing in my peripheral vision is not Ivy or Cuddlepuff. I’d kill for some occipital neural plasticity.

New Zelda game at E3 and I want to know what Vin thinks but by the time we’re talking it’s possible I’ll have beaten it. I hope everyone who sided with Anna, convinced her that this was the right thing to do and/or provided letters… I just really hope all those people are helping her with the kids so she can get a break. Maybe she got the 2nd aupair by now, is Melena even there anymore? I get villainized if I ask Bert questions about Corina’s preferences, if I started asking questions about their lives I’d probably be hung in the public square. Not knowing what my kids are doing most of the time… I really don’t understand how men abandon their families willingly. Why would anyone do this to themselves?

Anyway I’m sitting here doing the paperwork that her lawyer wants. It’s hard to get through because it makes me sad, that’s why I’m writing this instead. Gotta get back to it. Putting effort and finances into this mistake… it’s hard to do. I’ve got a fixed amount of time on this planet, I should be working for her and the kids, supporting her the way I always did when I was well and being a good Dad. I should be making people happy, this is just going to make our kids sad forever. If they weren’t holding Bert and Corina hostage I wouldn’t participate.

Alright, good news: Apple slices dehydrated nicely. Got up to 100 pushups per day. Feeling strong. Ortho and dentist appointments tomorrow.

When do I stop wanting to come home?

Update: When you dehydrate applesauce you get a fruit roll-up! I ate it, 4/5 stars – a bit too tough, try 4 hours instead of 5. Psyched. Going to try some jelly.


I couldn’t play this as a kid, the sound + light scared me. Bert and I had a lot of fun with it – give him love and encouragement and he’s a brave little boy. He was very concerned about how the man would feel if we took his bones out and I explained that he’d feel better because everything we were taking out bothered him. He was also concerned that the picture of the man on the box didn’t match the man in the game – I explained to him about artists and interpretations. When I have more than 3-6 hours with him per week we’re going to have so much more fun, it’s going to be great. He’s expressed interest in going back to Jujitsu!


Finally got around to taking all the pictures of Bert from his nannycam for the first two years of his life and making a video. I know it’s mostly hilarious but it makes me too sad to watch right now. Wish I could see my kids, wish my wife loved me, etc – every day stuff for me for months now. Oh well, can’t control what other people do, right? Just gotta keep loving my family, trying to do the right thing and hoping something changes. Would post the full video but it definitely contains nudity. Everyone’s nudity. Somebody was always naked. Here’s 15 seconds that’s safe. It’s an hour and fifteen minutes of this.


There’s a demon named Gremory, she’s super cool – a hot princess who rides a camel. Sees the future, finds treasure and picks up chicks. Also a Duke of Hell governing twenty-six legions of demons – that’s 156,000 demons! That’s a lot of demons!

Since I bought a George Foreman grill my diet has gone from carbs to protein. Beef burgers, turkey burgers and fish. Man food. Bert wanted a “cheeseburger with peanut butter and jelly” so I just made a slider with those toppings – if I don’t puke I’ll let him try one tomorrow.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations